william cody maher

GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS...THIS...

A
How long is it going to take to drain that pond private ?
B
Well sir, it’s really not a pond..I mean it’s more the size of a lake
A
I don’t care if it’s the size of an ocean..I want that thing drained dry before the labour day weekend
B
There’s another problem here sir that has recently surfaced
A
I don’t care if godzilla surfaces..I want that body of water the hell out of here if you have to suck it up with a godamned vacumn cleaner
B
The problem sir is we have these nature people out here sniffing around and they have some lawyers with them and apparently you just can’t go around emptying things or filling things or anything for that matter without a permit you see this is some kind of wild life reserve and is protected by an agency in Washington
A
I am under direct order from Homeland Securites to have this pond searched and seized...do you understand me private
B
What are we going to do with the wild life sir ?
A
There’s enough surrounding area around here...they can just vanish into it...
B
Excuse me sir..the animals and insects birds and things ah would not be able to survive in gated communities sir
A
Then they don’t survive...it’s natural selection..it’s not our business to see that animals do or do not survive..I am here to find something and I am going to get to the bottom of it...by labor day weekend this hole is going to be so dry we could make a parking lot out of it.. I will get to the depths of this if I have to drain the coffers of this state we will not leave an inch of that body of water untouched...do we understand each other...
B
Yes sir
A
if there is something down there causing the trouble we will find it...if it is breathing or if it is just a sniveling microbe if it has back teeth or just a collection of mutating blood cells if it is microscopic or extra terrestrial we will lay our hands on this threat and we will destroy it. we will not stop until we have isolated whatever it is that transported this thing and if it is traveling in flies or birds or dogs or people or if it is blowing in the wind we will nail it down we will erase if from the face of the earth..
we are the greatest nation in the world private and we won’t have it...not on our property..not at this time... we will not let a stinking fish hole order our existence and spread fear
B
There are people sir that believe it was that incident some years ago where hundreds of bodies de composed and leaked into the water supply...then there was that incident with prarie dogs and then in chinatown that outbreak..and over in bleakville mississipi when they found that dead gambia rat....Somehow whatever it was started rumours multiplying in the pipe system and infiltrating general population sir..and then that white powder..Later discovered as cocaine and not antrax...hard to tell the difference these days...dogs not well enough trained..it could have been wash powder or flee powder for that matter..
A
That is only a theory..,I have no time for theories. What are the figures anyway ?
B
Well, so far sir three people are missing and presumed dead and we have lost to date...217 people looking for them..
A
It is an open wound...open wounds cause infections..there is no getting around it...you know what mouth to mouth sucitation is don’t you ?
B
Yeah, that’s when somebody drowns and they are turning blue and getting stiff and you only have a few seconds to bring them back and you have to put your mouth on theirs even if it’s a man and your a man and you have to suck life back into them
A
That’s right..and now what we have to do is the opposite..we have to suck the poison out..suck it right out of creation..and we can do it...we are trained...disciplined...I worked all my life for this..my father...he gave his life for this...we will find this killer..and we will destroy it cell for cell...we will obliterate it like we obliterate any enemy..we are a forgiving country private
B
Yes sir
A
a proud people
B
yes sir
A
But we will not tolerate any further disruption of our well being...do you hear me private
B
Yes sir
A
And we are willing to die for what we believe in
B
Well, I mean...
A
What did I say private ?
B
That we are willing to die for what we believe in sir
A
And what are we going to do private ?
B
We are going to empty this god damned fish hole...sir
A
And what else ?
B
We are going to suck the poison out of this open wound that is now festering everywhere you look sir
A
And how are we going to do that ?
B
We are going to do that by mouth to mouth resuscitation sir
A
And what is that private ?
B
That is placing your mouth sir against the mouth of an open wound and sucking the poison out of it..sir
A
And what are we going to do next private ?
B
We are going to put a parking lot here and a monument...sir
A
With
B
A shopping center.. sir
A
And
B
We will feel no fear...sir
A
And we will have no scruples..private
B
And we will have no scruples sir
A
And there is no shame
B
There is no shame sir
A
And there will be no investigation
B
There will be no investigation sir
A
And all evidence will be destroyed
B
And all evidence will be destroyed sir
A
And all loved ones will keep quiet
B
And all loved one will keep quiet sir
A
In this life and the next
B
In this life and the next sir
A
So help me god
B
So help me god sir
A
God bless America
B
God bless America sir
A
Amen
B
Amen

SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED

(two voices in playful dialogue)

a.
What news would you like to hear?
b.
Tell me something awful.
a.
You really want me to?
b.
Yes, something terrible.
a.
You mean something personal?
b.
Yes, something about someone I love.
a.
Is that what you want to hear?
b.
Yes
a.
Are you sure?
b.
Yes, quite sure
a.
Alright, I have some terrible news
b.
Could you say it differently.
a.
How do you mean?
b.
Could you say it like you really mean it. if you can't say it
like you mean it, how will I believe it?
a.
Do you want me to tell you the truth?
b.
Yes, please.
a.
I have some terrible news for you.
b.
That's better ...could you take a moment before beginning?
a.
Yes of course..I’am a little out of breath. I have some terrible news for you...don`t you say anything?
b.
No, I just stand there. how would I say something once you have said that... all I would be able to do is stand in a tension, anticipating... go ahead, say it again.
a.
I have some terrible news to tell you
b.
Wait, perhaps I can say something.
a.
What's that?
b.
I'll say - it's about her isn't it?
a.
That sounds good.
b.
I know...realistic...right?
a.
Yes, let's try it.
b.
I'm afraid, I have some terrible news.
a.
You've changed it, but its better now, go ahead.
b.
I'm afraid, I have some terrible news.
a.
It's about her isn't it ?
b.
What do I say now?
a.
Something terrible has happened.
b.
That`s all?
a.
What else can you say?
b.
I suppose you`re right.
a.
Lets begin again.
b.
Allright, with what?
a.
Lets try this time..something has happened.
b.
Something bad.
a.
You will know it`s bad by the sound of the voice.
b.
Not always.
a.
No, you`re right, not always.
b.
Let`s try.
a.
Something has happened. ( tragic)
b.
I'm so excited for you.
a.
Are you crazy. How can you be excited when I say it in that way?
b.
I didn't hear it that way.
a.
What other way could you have heard it? I said something has happened?
b.
Now you`ve said it differently.
a.
No I haven`t. You just interpreted it differently. You were in another mood.
b.
I was in the same mood.
a.
If you were in the same mood you wouldn't have interpreted as you did.
b.
Try it again.
a.
Something happened yesterday evening.
b.
I`m so happy for you.
a.
How can you continue like this? It`s as though you`re trying to make fun of me.
b.
I`m really not. I just have the feeling something wonderful happened and you don`t want to talk
about it.
a.
Why would I not want to talk about it ?
b.
How should I know. It`s something about you and someone else.
a.
I don’t want to play anymore.
b.
But we’re not playing. It`s her isn`t it?
a.
What do you mean?
b.
That is the wonderful thing that happened to you?
a.
Why do you want to torture yourself?
b.
It is her then?
a.
I didn’t want this to happen anymore than you did.
b.
But you let it happen.
a.
I didn’t let it happen. It just happened.
b.
He was our friend.
a.
Yes, that’s true...It was a natural thing to happen.
b.
I suppose so, but it is difficult.
a.
You dirty bitch. How can you look me in the eyes and talk about what is difficult.
b.
That was pretty good.
a.
You think so?
b.
Yes, I believed it.
a.
But just for a moment.
b.
Do you think they’ll believe it?
a.
Why shouldn’t they. They believe anything that’s thrown at them.
b.
But it’s not really serious is it?
a.
Well, that depends what you mean by serious.
b.
I mean life or death.
a.
We don’t have to go that far.
b.
Some day we will.
a.
But not now.
b.
No, not now. There’s still time for that.
a.
That’s what everyone says.
b.
There’s still time for that.
a.
It’s a phrase everyone uses and then its too late.
b.
Too late for what?
a.
To do anything about it.
b.
About what ?
a.
About that?
b.
About what?
a.
Death.
b.
O That.

IT'S ME...BABE

a...first detective
b...second detective
w...woman
a.
Where did you find this one?
b.
Hiding down by the stadium
a.
Did she have her papers?
b.
yes sir
a.
Were they in order?
b.
Before we threw them away...yes sir.
a.
Did you apply force?
b.
Yes sir...we did
a.
Did she resist?
b.
They all do...at first
a.
And then?
b.
Then she didn't
a.
Didn't what?
b.
Resist.
a.
And the others?
b.
Dead...I think
a.
You think ?
b.
Well...I can't be one hundred percent sure...but
a.
How sure?
b.
99 percent
a.
They're dead
b.
It would appear so
a.
See anything else?
b.
Buzzards
a.
Mans best friend...and?
b.
Blood
a.
Anything else?
b.
Flies
a.
Makes sense. Anybody see you?
b.
If they did...they would be dead too
a.
Good...Have you eaten yet?
b.
Yes sir...along the way...got a bite
a.
Did you feed her?
b.
She refused sir
a.
Probably wants to try a hunger strike
b.
I would imagine so...sir
a.
Did she talk about him?
b.
No sir...something about an amendment of some kind
a.
They still pulling that one huh...(contemptible laughter)
b.
You still get a few that try sir
a.
No visible scars?
b.
We do our best sir
a.
How was the weather out there?
b.
Unpredictable
a.
Good...Have you spoken to Fagan?
b.
He was occupied
a.
Un-occupy him
b.
yes sir
a.
What percentage they getting over there?
b.
Two for one
a.
Hot or cold?
b.
Hot
a.
Sons of bitches.
b.
Motherfuckers
a.
Asslickers
b.
Whoremongers
a.
Anything else?
b.
Cocksuckers
a.
Good...lets get started
b.
Yes sir
( Begins by smashing woman in the stomach)
w.
( Raises her head with no expression)
Babe?
b.
( Turns to a.)
She's talking in code sir
a.
Break it
b.
Yes sir
a.
Give her an injection.
( Turns to w.)
Tell us about Highway 2
w.
( No response)
b.
( Looks up at a. a looks back.)
a.
Say it's Babe
b.
Hi, it’s me...babe
w.
(Opens her eyes and looks excited)
Babe...
b.
( In mocking womans voice)
Yes darling...It's me...Babe
( canned laughter from imaginary audience)
w.
I miss you
b.
I miss you too...Babe
w.
Babe...
b.
Yes...darling
w
I won't talk
b.
I know you won't
w.
I'm scarred stiff Babe
b.
Me too
w.
Can you talk?
b.
I think so
w.
Then listen...I love you
b.
I love you too
( Continued laughter)
w.
Babe...
b.
What darling?
w.
What do they want?
b.
What we have
w.
But they won't get it
b.
It belongs to us...Whisper to me once again
w.
I love you
b.
I love you too
a.
(Irritated)
It’s me Babe
w.
Babe
a.
What darling?
w.
You won’t talk will you?
a.
Of course not honey..Lover’s don’t talk
w.
I know, I’m just afraid
a.
It’s okay to be afraid
w.
I know
(Two thugs look at one another at a loss for
what to think up next)
a.
Guess what Babe?
w.
What?
a.
Everything is going to be different now
w.
O I hope so
a.
Remember that morning when we drove down highway 2
w.
How can I forget
a.
We held hands all the way. The road twisting. You were afraid we would go off the cliff..I said it didn’t matter because we were so much in love that we had wings. We would just drift over the ocean
w.
Darling
a.
What
w.
They’re listening
a.
You’re just imagining
w.
No, I can feel it.
a.
I won’t talk
w.
You don’t have to
a.
I know
w.
Babe...
a.
What?
w.
I love you
a.
I love you too
w.
I know
a.
Give her another injection

ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE

Subject 1

He appeared in our office dressed in a uniform
He was asking us to believe that had had ever fought for anything in his life
The uniform didn’t go with the face
The jaw seemed to weak to support his story
He showed us a scar on his chest and a matching one on his back
He said the government was trying to kill him
He said they were directing operations from space
We threw him out of the office

Subject 2

She was blond.
That was enough for me but not for my partner
He wanted to throw her out right away
She had a rip up her nylon stockings that looked like she’d been mauled by a dog
A couple of curlers were hanging from what looked like a wig that got stuck in a meat grinding machine
Her story didn’t match the seductive look in her eyes
She was muttering some story about losing her place somewhere in a mans twisted mind
My partner threw out out
I gave her a wink

Subject 3

He looked as though he’d been hiding under his bed
He had a facial twitch and kept running his hands over an open wound that was seeping some brown fluid from his scalp
He had a patch over one eye and the one staring back at us reflected no light at all
Before we could decide if we would throw him out or not he walked past us and jumped through the window
Lucky for us, it was open
The last time we had to replace the glass

Subject 4

This one was too young and we weren’t in business to face a lawsuit
She had a nightmare she couldn’t get out of her mind
She kept yelling that she didn’t want to go back
My partner offered her the bus fare and gave her some money for something to eat
She said they locked the doors after eight
I gave her a pinch in the ass at the door but it felt like I was giving her last rites
There are two kinds of people in this business you can’t save. People with no money and people who are underage

Subject 5

This one was old enough to put his papers in order before the earth opened up beneath his feet and swallowed what was left of him
He stared at us like he was seeing double
He had a stupid grin as though he knew something we didn’t and when we did it would be too late
I thought maybe my zipper was down
I looked over at my partner and he thought the same thing
What does this old buzzard want I thought
I hadn’t seen one this far gone since I could remember
He was hard of hearing and kept saying the same thing...that our days were numbered
When I asked him to leave he took a seat
Once he sat down there was nothing we could do but grab the seat with him in it and throw him down the stairs
I looked at my partner and he looked at me and we both laughed and shook our heads
It was just another day at the office...